Sunday, March 30, 2008

Canadians (long--sorry)

Living in the north, at least compared to the rest of the United States, has its advantages. We get four seasons, although they are hardly equal in length. The people are made of some hardier stock than the hothouse variety that live in the southern climes. They are, for the most part, nicer, Chicago notwithstanding.

We are also closer to Canada. For those living in non-bordering states, you have to understand that Canada is its own sovereign nation, not an extension of the United States. It has its own government. It has its own culture. It has, with loose interpretations, its own cuisine.

Working in the outdoor industry means that I bump up against a lot more Canadians than the average American. The more I bump up against them, the more they rub off on me. In general, my Canadian friends are more self-effacing while remaining confident in their abilities. They are less prone to brag about the greatness of their country, but in many ways more patriotic. More go, less show.

Canadians are naturally poor marketers. They sell the steak, not the sizzle, and take it for granted that people who partake of a certain product are smart enough to figure out the relative benefits of a potato chip without being told by a cartoon character that they’re fresher than those that just say “potato chips” on the bag.

Canadians don’t go for flashy, which is why until just a few years ago, the most popular car in Canada was the Toyota Tercel. I have no idea what it is now, but my guess is something smaller and practical, but not a Kia, which they are probably too smart to import, let alone purchase.

Canadians buy things other than tires from a tire store. They put corn meal on their bacon, put gravy on their French fries, and drink coffee from a chain owned by a former hockey player. Starbucks is for the elite, of which there are fifteen in the entire country, all ensconced in an upscale condo building in Toronto. Everyone else drinks Tim Horton’s coffee, which they affectionate call “Timmy’s,” as in “I need to stop at Timmy’s.” Their money is prettier, and now it’s worth more than ours, and while it does have a bunch of dead Prime Ministers on it, it also has loons, caribou, beaver, and polar bears on it, and Queen Elizabeth II. Ours has dead presidents and a random secretary of the treasury. We refuse to accept coins worth more than fifty cents, even though we mint them.

In short, they are not Americans. I mean to say they are American, in that they live in North America, just as Mexicans are Americans too. Another indication of the hubris of United Statsians, oblivious to the two countries to the north and south.

---------

A few years ago I was at a rendezvous for wooden canoe builders in upstate New York. I participated in teaching a few classes, and was demonstrating strokes while Jodie-Marc Lalonde explained them. Jodie is obviously Canadian, as no self-respecting American would name their son Jodie. As Jodie talked through strokes, his Canadian heritage was clear in his pronunciation of particular words. Contrary to American thinking, Canadians do not say “a-BOOT” instead of “about.” They say “a-BOUWT” or something like that..it’s hard to write exactly what they say.

At any rate, Jodie and I were chatting later that day with an older gentleman, a Canadian who must have been every bit of eighty. Jodie and this distinguished man discussed canoe paddles, and the conversation turned to “Ray’s paddles.” There was a long discussion about Ray and his paddles, which I found interesting, as I am pretty familiar with the concept of canoe paddles, which end goes in the water, and so forth. After five minutes, I had to admit ignorance, as I had not spoken ten words since the conversation started.

“Who’s Ray?” I said.

Jodie looked at me patiently, but the old man was startled. He eyed me suspiciously, held my gaze, and stage whispered to Jodie, “Jodie, is this man a Yankee?”

He said “Yankee” as if it were a pejorative. Not mean-spirited, but almost with pity.

Jodie remarked that yes, I was indeed a Yankee.

The old man continued to stare at me for a few more seconds, sizing me up.

“Well, he sure doesn’t paddle like a Yankee.”

It was the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.

-----

Not that Canada doesn’t have its problems, or as we call them here in the United States, “issues.” A good chunk of their country would like to break off and start their own little French kingdom called Bouchardia. We, on the other hand, would like to offload at least part of our country, starting with New Jersey. Until just a few years ago, they had a Prime Minister who spoke neither English nor French, rendering his communication somewhat less than effective. That said, our President doesn’t speak one language, not two. Their medical system lacks resources but serves everyone. Our medical system lacks for nothing, but a surprisingly large number of Americans can’t get a check-up except at an emergency room.

To many Americans, the Canadians are all left of center, socialists, and a little disdainful of Americans. Their medical system may be socialist, but there’s a subtle but important difference between socialism and community. In a socialistic society, one is forced to participate in a community. In a real community, it is voluntary, and it is my observations that Canadians are more interested in community building and are fiercely proud of it. Not that they’re not individuals, indeed, most of my Canadian friends are a quarter bubble off plumb, individualistic more so that many of my American friends. Community is created by a group of people who share values, not likes and dislikes.

I am proud of much of what my country has done for the world, and in general, we’re good folks, just like Canadians. Our government doesn’t represent us, just as theirs does not represent Canadians. We try to vote for people who are good folks, but inevitable an idiot or two or fifty get elected because most of us are too intelligent to run for public office.

While I can’t say, like the Molson ad, “I AM CANADIAN,” I can say that at least part of me is Canadian. I found a few Canadian ancestors in my genealogy, which means that I can claim at least some Canadian blood. Even if I hadn’t, it wouldn’t make any difference. My Canadian friends accept me as one of their own, since I paddle Canadian canoes, eat Canadian food (including Cretons), and read the Globe and Mail on-line. I love them, they love me, and that transcends borders.

If I may take a liberty with the Molson ad, I’d like to state for the record, “I COULD BE CANADIAN if it were not for an accident of birth.” Borders are arbitrary, geographical and geopolitical artifacts to divide, not unite. I choose to accept the physical border as an inconvenient reality while ignoring it in every other aspect of my life.

Saturday, March 29, 2008

Grain Elevators and Giant Hot Dogs


There we were, driving down to St. Louis last week, when we passed Atlanta, IL. I just had to stop when I saw the small, inconspicuous white sign that said, "Grain Elevator Museum - Next Right."

As usual, as soon as I saw the sign, I said to my wife "I gotta see this..." Before she could object I was off the highway and heading into town. I mean, seriously... how can anyone pass up a grain elevator museum? I suppose people who are not at all curious could keep driving in favor of the next Cracker Barrel. But this...I had not expected this.


Imagine the simple, mundane pleasure of casually and superciliously dropping in conversation, "Say, I was just visiting the Grain Elevator Museum...fascinating architecture...a masterfully subtle use of the cubic form combined with a rough wood fascia that really accentuates its organic otherness. And what a masterful use of the rail car, juxtaposing the permanence of the structure with a metaphor of the transient nature of grain..."

Sad thing is, last night Stephanie and I had dinner in a restaurant next to a couple of insufferable academics whose drivel was almost as pretentious as it was inane. They were, almost assuredly, on their first date, hopelessly trying to impress each other. She laughed at all the right places, and he was attempting charm that came off as smarmy. I felt like launching into my grain elevator solliloquy as an antidote to the leather-patched tweed-coated blather from Table 9. One of the dangers of living in a college town, I suppose.

But I digress.


Beyond the wonderful grain elevator museum was the completely unexpected Paul Bunyan With Hot Dog Statue. No idea what it means, why PB would have a hot dog, and why in Atlanta, IL. Once more, no Babe, the big blue ox. Perhaps Babe was carrying the fries and the cherry coke.

We will never know. Route 66 still rears its ancient head once in a blue moon.

Life! Spring! Hurrah!


"The first day of spring was once the time for taking the young virgins into the fields, there in dalliance to set an example in fertility for nature to follow. Now we just set the clocks an hour ahead and change the oil in the crankcase."
- E.B. White

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Ice in the Parking Lot


As much as I hate ice when I'm on a two-wheeled vehicle, I have to admit I like how it looks. I got out of the car this morning and almost stepped on this thin little puddle that froze over. They're beyond transient, existing only for a few hours, and I guess the little bit of oil from the cars in the parking lot make things freeze in interesting ways.

Check it out...



Romance, sarcasm, mathematics and language all in a neat little package.

http://www.xkcd.com/

Monday, March 24, 2008

Well, I ate the Cretons...

Cretons and Moutard (left), Marmelade (right)

...and I didn't die. It was actually quite good. Sorta like Deviled Ham but with more texture. I added a little Moutard de Meaux because I like mustard on my ham, and frankly, I liked it fine. I hereby retract my prior statements.

The only issue I see is a marketing one. Canadians, in my experience, are not big on blowing their own horns, where Americans, for the most part, get winded blowing theirs. Having a label that says "Pork" doesn't sell. Having a label that says "Contains only the most delectable parts of content pigs" sounds more like an American product.

Which is why I tend to prefer Canadians these days. Thanks, Rosie.

Sunday, March 23, 2008

Creton


A "friend" from Montreal gave me a jar of this stuff. "Working man's pate" he called it. I dunno...I'm a bit afraid. I need some Canadians to tell me (really) if this is safe or not. I suspect it's the Quebecois equivalent of Vegemite.

I am usually good about eating new stuff, but Canadian cuisine (e.g. Persians) have me a little bit suspicious. Help me Rosiewan Kenobi, you're my only hope...

Saturday, March 22, 2008

Questions that aren't.

1) "Are you going to eat that?"
2) "Do you want to stop at that gas station?"
3) "Are we going to bed early tonight?"

It took me 24 years, but now I can see them coming a mile away.

A short detour to Nauvoo...then home.


We escaped the floods in Missouri and scampered over to Nauvoo, IL for a few days of R&R. The place was fairly deserted, which is wonderful compared to the hoards that inundate it in the summer. It is of historic significance to 99% of Utah, so that means a good chunk of Nauvoo is blonde in the summer.

I must say it was weird walking around in a short-sleeve t-shirt and even more weird was sunburning the top of my head, having left my hat behind in the car. I gotta watch it more closely now that I don't have the protection up top that I used to have.

I did get a short paddle in on Big Muddy, which was bigger and muddier due to the rains, but it was nice (and totally deserted -- not even a powerboat, skiff, or barge). The wind was a nice Beaufort 5 gusting to 6, but the Argosy handled it all with aplomb. The only tricky part was passing a moored barge with its beam straight at the wind, causing some clapotis that was more than I would be used to, but again, the Argosy is a fine, fine canoe.

Nauvoo, for those who don't know, is a small town in Illinois that was a refuge to the Mormons from 1839 to 1845 after being driven from Missouri. Some of my ancestors were involved in draining the swamp and creating what was one of the most beautiful cities on the Mississippi. At its peak more than 40,000 souls lived there, rivaling Chicago.

It was deserted almost as quickly as it was built due to pressure from mobs, general unlawfulness, and I must admit, a growing sense of unease from locals about an emerging theocracy, economic isolationism, and probably a few unstable individuals from both sides who wanted to be important (usually the cause of most troubles). You must recollect that the law in the Midwest at that point was pretty sketchy, and church leaders were routinely arrested and imprisoned on an affidavit from a disgruntled ex-church member who wanted revenge for some perceived insult (like someone calling them on their poor behavior).

Still, it's a nice place to visit, and the Williamsburgesque demonstrations and tours are great (and free). The older couples who are there as missionaries are sweet, friendly, and decidedly low-key. Ian was a participant in the rope-making demonstration, which was cool. The blacksmith who works there defied anyone to find the forge-weld on the wagon wheel, which I, of course, did within a few seconds.

He laughed and said "Maybe you should do the next demonstration." Well, Brother Porter, in twenty years I just might, if they'll let me make something besides horseshoes.

Thursday, March 20, 2008

The 100-Year Flood


Well, an eventful week in the 'Zarks. We traveled to Leasburg, MO for the National School for Paddlesports Business. I taught three courses; Advanced Marketing, Intro to Customer Relations, and Effective Retail Design and Merchandising. One of these I taught because the assigned instructor couldn't come due to problems with travel. More on that later.

Monday morning we enjoyed a tour of Onondaga Cave. I thought this was going to be a typical local cave with a few interesting stalactites. Frankly, it is one of the most beautiful caves I have ever seen. There were large numbers of speleothems called soda straws, a fairly rare cave formation that I have never seen in such a number.


After the cave tour we went for a nice paddle on the Courtois, Huzzah and Meramec Rivers, with beautiful bluffs and abundant bird life (pileated woodpeckers, tufted titmice, cardinals, goldfinches, hairy woodpeckers and a few other various and sundry species). Ian impressed the group by paddling solo, and despite a little rain, it seemed like it was going to be a lovely week.


Then the rain started, and did not stop. Over 10 inches of rain in 24 hours, and it seemed to be concentrated in a very small watershed. The result was a 100-year flood. According to locals the last time the river crested 26 feet above flood stage was 1918.

The result was that a good deal of the resort was under 5-8 feet of water. We were fortunate to be in a cabin that was on high ground, maybe 200 yards from the river bank, but the water was 20-30 yards from the cabin at the peak of the flood.


The building in the picture is the grill, or the dining area. It was completed about two weeks ago, a brand-new facility, which made it even more sad. To show the change that 12 hours can make, here are two pictures: One of the pizza party we had on Tuesday night, and one of me paddling in the same building to retrieve any food that we might scavenge from the highest shelves. We filled two canoes and did pretty well, so much so that Wednesday evening dinner was actually pretty good.

Darren paddling indoors

Ian's "Eye of Sauron" Pizza

As you can see, things changed from Tuesday night to Wednesday noon. Bear Bass from Ozark Outdoors was a gem from start to finish. He and his staff kept us updated on the weather as we scrambled to rearrange classes and locations as floodwaters kept us moving to ever higher ground.


In the end, the best part of the entire episode of being stranded on an island with a bunch of paddlers was the camaraderie of 50 or 60 people who all dropped everything to help each other and to help Ozark Outdoors. We all scrambled to move merchandise, clean, cook, and console each other as the waters rose ever higher. We were, in truth, in no danger at any point, but several folks were stranded away from family a few days longer than they would have preferred.

Today it was announced that the flood had receded enough for us to take a sneak out the back way, down a 12-mile logging road and back to Hwy 44. Even in evacuation, we stayed together and convoyed out of the hills, passing trickles that were just a few hours earlier raging torrents.

Not the way I wanted to spend Spring Break, but it certainly was an experience I won't soon forget.

Saturday, March 15, 2008

Off to the 'Zarks

I know, no one calls the Ozarks the 'Zarks, but I thought it sounded cool in a Ridgemont High Spiccoli sort of way. "Dude, surf's totally gnarly out at the 'Zarks."

For the record -- there is no surf at the 'Zarks.

The good news:
1) The trip is a write-off because I'm teaching a course on merchandising and customer service for the Paddlesports Industry Association. Zzzz.zzz......
2) We get to go paddling on the Current River.
3) We get to go see Elephant Rocks again.
4) There is a good chance we'll get some Spring ephemeral action. I'm dying for some Hepatica.

The bad news:
1) I have to teach a course on merchandising and customer service.
2) I still haven't finished my powerpoint for one of them, and haven't really started the one I need for the other one.
3) I don't really feel all that badly about 2). Really. Truth is, I've given this talk a bunch of times and I could do it in my sleep. I'm tired from 14 straight days of work and this is the second-to-last thing I really want to do.

I am not sure of that last thing I want to do, but I imagine it has something to do with Champions on Ice.

Never volunteer for anything ever unless it involves saving puppies or adorable toddlers from unspeakable fates. Nothing else is worth it in retrospect. I know, I'm overstating my point, but jeepers...it's so easy to say "Sure, I could do that." It's easier overall to say "Sorry, I need to polish my shinbones that weekend."

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Calopteryx maculata

Rosie is my Canadian sister who loves odonates too. She drew this on Facebook Graffiti, which is hardly a precise canvas upon which to create, but all I can say is "look at this."


Rosemonde is an artiste du Facebook.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Recovery

Monday...woke up at 7:00, went back to bed at 8:00, got up at 10:00, went back to bed at 2:30, woke up at 5:30, went to bed at 10:00. A perfect day. I felt almost human.

Tuesday...rode the new bike to work over patches of black ice (close your eyes and think non-falling-down thoughts), took a hot shower to warm up, since it was 18 degrees when I left home. Immediately started digging through the mess of consignment POs and trying to get return authorizations to send product back. A few vendors made large, bone-headed mistakes, for the which I refuse to punish them, as that's bad karma, but I will be a little less willing to be flexible with them next year. Rode my new bike home. Sweet, no black ice, just water so my jersey was striped when I got home.

Wednesday...drove to work because Gracie was looking at me like she would just die if I left her at home another day. Did the same thing as Tuesday but got to play a few pranks on a few folks. Wrote some thank you letters and enjoyed the crazy cleanup that takes over the shop. Today I got to hand out some bonuses for the folks who worked the show, which is one of my favorite things to do.

Jeff and Darren, Quietwater Films.

Today I also got to sit down and talk to my partner, Jeff Bach, from Quietwater Films. We've finished three DVDs and we have three more in the works, only one of which I need to be intimately involved in. We have 90% of the funding and we can pull the trigger. We sold a ton of DVDs at Canoecopia and have three new distributors looking at them. We continue to break even at an amazing pace, which is fine for now.

Got home late, ate some great three bean salad my fantastically cool wife made. Rode the trainer while watching a DVD of Deep Space Nine (old Star Trek) with the fam. It doesn't get much better than that.

I am hereby fully recovered. :-)

Sunday, March 09, 2008

Canoecopia is over...

Must sleep.

Thursday, March 06, 2008

Megan and Rosie Like Custard


Rosie is a new member of our family. We have adopted her, mostly to get a better deal on maple syrup and Persians. She is from Thunder Bay, which is sorta like the Newark of Canada. Actually, the people are much nicer in Thunder Bay than in Newark. And there's a nice view of Lake Superior.


Rosie rocks 98% as much as Megan rocks, but given the exchange rates, it means they rock equally.

Off to bed. Tomorrow is a LONG day.

One day to go...

Canoecopia is here. Really here. Like we're loading in today. Today! This means long, long days, but lots of fun with lots of friends. Tonight a small but dedicated group of sales reps will show up at my house, we'll order in Chinese food and hang out after a long day unloading boxes and boats.

Truth is, it's the nights laying around the house with my friends that makes this all worthwhile.

Wednesday, March 05, 2008

I miss my friend...


Gordon B. Hinckley died a few months ago. He was President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, the Prophet, but he was also my friend. I never met him personally, and while that might stop some people from calling him a friend, I can't let it stop me. His writings and sermons often felt like they were directed to me; not like a horoscope can apply to anyone ("You will feel a little tired tonight just before you go to bed"), but thoughts and words that told me something I needed to hear. He asked us (not just members of the church, but everyone) to "stand a little taller," to try a little harder, to be a little kinder. In a world where some so-called Christian leaders spew hatred disguised as righteous indignation, he was a breath of fresh air.

It's not fashionable to believe that someone is a prophet. Well, maybe so. I learned a lot from my friend Gordon and truly believe he was a prophet. I miss my prophet, but more importantly, I miss my friend. We'll hopefully go for a paddle sometime, assuming (and rightly so) that there will be canoes in the hereafter. Wouldn't seem right without them.

Tuesday, March 04, 2008

If youre a pacifist vegan ninja...


...these are the perfect shurikens. No meat, eggs, or animal product, and they're soft and are unable to penetrate even the thinnest material (I tested them on my wife; they bounced off harmlessly and the dog ate them).

It's a niche market.

Sunday, March 02, 2008

Garfield Minus Garfield


In the continuing theme of taking a (relatively) normal cartoon and altering it slightly, here's another: Garfield Minus Garfield. It's really, really, weird, but not nearly as cerebral as the Nietzsche Family Circus.

Saturday, March 01, 2008

Pizza Brutta

Madison has great restaurants, and you can go years without setting foot in an Olive Garden or Chili's, both of which feature industrial-strength food straight out of a Sysco truck. It's one of the things I hate most about American culture -- the tendency to trade quality for predictability. Most typical Americans would rather have a mediocre meal every time (hence the popularity of Red Lobster, Applebee's, Cracker Barrel, as well as the aforementioned institutions) than a great one that might occasionally challenge your taste buds.


I can state unequivocally that Pizza Brutta is the best pizza I have eaten outside of Italy. Derek Lee, the owner and head pizzaiolo, trained at the VPN (Vera Pizza Napoletana, or "real neopolitan pizza") so he knows his stuff. Derek and his wife Darcy run a class joint...the staff are wonderful, the oven is wood-fired, and I tell ya, it doesn't get much better than this. The next time you eat a Pizza Hut pizza, know that you're eating a soulless piece of dough with strip-mined tomatoes and cheese food product. If you're going to eat, might as well eat good stuff. Irony of ironies -- it costs about the same.

P.S. I previously had the owner as Damon, not Derek, and I have no idea why I screwed it up. Having a name like Darren, I should know better, as I have been called Darryl, Devin, Dylan, Derek, and Damon. Canoelover regrets the error.

Getting ready for guests...

The Fort, in the summer.

With Canoecopia coming up in less than a week, it's time to start the cleaning of the house. I think four or five people are staying with us, I don't know yet. Sam will be staying in The Fort, so I got that cleaned up, took out a fresh supply of kindling and firewood for the stove, and dusted (ugh -- no one's stayed in it since last fall, so it was dusty).

Sam always stays in The Fort, it's sorta become Sam's Fort. We love Sam.